High Energy Playlist - Untapped 006

Vagina Is the New Nipple

If you haven't heard by now, Britney Spears is sharing her vagina with the world. She's been going out with Paris Hilton and decided to go all the way with this publicity stunt and flashed the Paparazzi. Paris and Britney are also conveniently reported to be hosting the Billboard Music Awards together, which explains why they're pretending to be friends and going clubbing. But did Britney need to go commando? Why not just go Lohan and show a nipple? Once again, Sherlock Joelmes is on the case. Cue intro music.


Something is coming. Something big. I am Jeff Goldblum and Britney's vagina is the ripples in the Mountain Dew on my desk. Britney's publicists are freaking geniuses, and I'm all over their strategy. They are trying to soften an upcoming blow...job. Have you heard the rumors of a possible Britney/K-Fed sex tape? Last we heard, there is no tape. But I say that there is, the original rumors must be true, and soon it will be all over the internet. A sex tape of Britney would create massive shock and awe throughout the world. It could possibly even be a career killer for her...unless a bridge is created between the Britney we know and the Britney we are about to know. There's cleavage and then there's hardcore sex. In between there is...drumroll...exposed vagina. And who better to expose your vagina with than the one person who has had a sex tape released and remains an A-list celebrity?

Britney's sex tape will be released soon. So says Sherlock Joelmes.


Fine! I'll give you a link to see the pics! Stop asking! Just don't click this at work.
Drunken Stepfather

Two Scoops

My desk in my cube is made up of two separate desks connected together. In between these desks is a long crack, and today I noticed my crack is a little dirty. I took a post-it note, folded it in half, and used it to scoop out all the unwanted stuff in there. You wouldn't believe all the shit I scooped out of my crack! There was a ton of dirt, lint, and a bunch of crumbs in there. I even found a staple in my crack! You think I'd have noticed that before. I pushed two piles of the stuff into the trash before I was done. Once my crack was clean, I was certain to advise all of my co-workers to have their cracks cleaned as well. It feels good to have a clean crack.

Helpful Instructions - Untapped 005

Nachos and Caviar

I finally got to cash in one of my birthday presents last night when my brother and I went to the Colts game and watched them demolish the Eagles. Jade's parents have season tickets, but they don't get to go to many games now that they live in the OC with Mischa Barton and company. They were generous to give me their two tickets to the game last night, and the seats were decent. However, this guy kept standing up in front of me, but I didn't dare ask him to sit down...because he was an offensive lineman. That's how good the seats were, people! They were grab some Gatorade good. They were play with the oxygen tank good. They were get interviewed by Andrea Kramer good. Dungy let me carry the challenge flag. These were some very good seats. Did you know millionaires eat nachos? They do, and they did all around us.

Comic coming today. I've been lazy and haven't been working on new ones, but I do have two already finished and ready to post. I was going to put one up last week, but due to tryptophan induced internet apathy and a sudden addiction to Madden and poker, I neglected.

Thinking back on my disappointing showing at the open mic night, I realize now that I should have bailed on my material and talked to the crowd. I'm such a chicken when it comes to crowd work. It's the dreaded unknown. oooOOOOooo! However, this is a skill that needs sharpening, and I blew the perfect opportunity. I was too stubborn on attempting my new material, but that was an obvious lost cause when my proven opener was met with painful silence. Next time that happens, I'm going straight to the crowd. So what if I don't make them laugh by talking to them. It's not like they're going to laugh at the planned material. Lesson learned. Moving on.

Stick a fork where?

Hiroshima. Nagasaki. And now Carmel. Perhaps you felt the tremors last night, yourself. That was me bombing at Open Mic Night at Morty's Comedy Joint, an explosion of silence that shall be remembered for decades to come.

I had to bite the bullet last night in front of a crowd that the greatest comedian would deem unfavorable at best. By biting the bullet, I mean that I went up first. The audience was small, and no one sat in the front seats. There was a moat of empty tables and chairs between the stage and the...er...crowd. The audience consisted of comedians, the family of a 14-yr-old comic, and a group of some other people that I should be careful about describing in the wake of the recent Michael Richards incident. Let's just say that they did not relate to my material or appreciate my point of view. They didn't heckle me, though. At one point, I was talking about tattoos on girls and I thought I heard one of them agreeing with me. I turned to him for support and realized he was just talking on his cell phone. This was one show where I wish I was heckled. At least then I could have gotten the audience more involved.

Dan asked what I thought about what happened at the Laugh Factory a couple nights ago, Kramer vs The Evolution of Society. I don't think he stepped over the line with those comments. Oh, no. Instead he backed up thirty feet, got a running start, and lunged headfirst over the line. I liked George Lopez's comments about the situation the best when he said that Michael Richards is not a stand-up comic. He's an actor who's show was canceled and now he's essentially been thrown onto the stand-up stage.

It's a different world on that stage. It can be very lonely up there when the crowd turns on you, and when you get heckled it's very easy to take it personally. Here's what I think happened. Michael Richards was very successful once, and now he's not on television and instead is doing stand-up which is not his regular medium. He was not getting the response he desired and additionally, a group of people were being disrespectful during his act by talking, which can be extremely distracting and unnerving. His pride mixed with his inexperience and quickly turned to anger, and when you want to hurt someone verbally you often say whatever you think will upset them the most. He's not an active racist. He just felt like he was being attacked and lost his mind. That's probably why it happened, but it doesn't excuse it. When you get heckled, you have to keep your cool and remember that you have one huge advantage over them. You have a microphone. They don't. Use the power to be heard over them to convey your wit in handling the situation. The audience wants to be on your side. In my experience, I've found that bare-faced insults (racist or otherwise) directed towards hecklers only make you look like a jerk.

Kramer's probably going to have a tough time getting TV work after this. However, I think Carlos Mencia should offer him a gig on his show. On that show, racism is funny! ...apparently.

I thought it was interesting how Jamie Masada, owner of the Laugh Factory, said that Michael Richards won't be allowed to perform at the club anymore...although he did allow him to do a show there the very next night. Apparently, things changed once the media storm hit.

I'll tell you who enjoyed Richards' act the most. That would be Paul Rodriguez. He got a ton of face time because of this, even more than when his son skateboards in the X Games. His life sounds like a sitcom premise, a stand-up past his prime who has a son that's a successful extreme sports star and his pride for him battling the envy of his fame. I should pitch it with him.

It is football season, afterall.

Enough to kill a large housecat. That's how much caffeine I've had today, and I feel great! In fact, I've felt extra good the past few days. I'm going to do the open mic show again tonight, and hopefully I can write/find some squeaky clean material to help expand my act. Someone give me a topic, and I'll try to write a joke on it to perform tonight. Just put it in the comments.

I'm moving back to Los Angeles. It is going to happen. I belong there, and I should be using my creativity for income. First, I need to finish the first episode of the cartoon, but soon after that, I'm gone. Meanwhile, I'll continue repossessing cars, writing comedy, creating these highly enjoyable animated comic strips, and animating that soon to be highly enjoyable cartoon. My estimated departure for the West Coast is sometime in Spring.

About the Untapped comics, I am happy to announce that I have broken the 100 views plateau in YouTube for the first two strips. Of course, I did flood my Myspace friends with them in their comments section, and the first strip has the keyword "sex" attached to it... But 100 views is still 100 views. ...and only a few of those are me, I swear! I've been forcing myself not to view them just for this reason. If anyone feels motivated to help me out, I'd appreciate a few ratings on these on the YouTube site.

I'm continuing with the football series for now. I have at least three more coming for this particular topic. The most incredible thing about creating these strips with animation, is that I now have the power of timing! Before, I had to blindly hope that my readers would read each strip with the appropriate timing applied, which takes a lot of faith. Now, I can add pauses and blinks and other little tricks I am discovering to help direct the joke! The freedom! I'll post the next one sometime tomorrow.

Motivation for Injury - Untapped 004

I wish I was content...

You may have read by now that Neil Patrick Harris is a "content gay man". I cannot see how this is news. I've known Doogie was gay for years now, ever since he was in Rent and went on the Tonight Show wearing nail polish. Dreadful shade, too. Absolutely dreadful.

Ever since I was a youngster, people have said that I remind them of Doogie Howser. It's because I share a resemblence to Neil Patrick Harris. That and I was a 14-yr-old doctor. Well, I liked to play doctor. Actually, kids should stop playing doctor before they turn 14. I just had a great idea for a new TV show, a 14-yr-old doctor father. Doogie Howser MD PTA.

I like to think that I would make a good father. Someday, perhaps we'll find out. You know, when I finally decide to settle down and steal a kid.

Be a Sport - Untapped 003

I want to car-ar-toon all ni-i-ight! And repo every day!

Not wasting time is hard work, and soon it will be rewarding. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping. All of this cartooning is open-ended, and that's a little worrisome. I like instant results and struggle with patience when it comes to my work. But, I realize this and am dealing with it. Meanwhile, I have a bunch of comics ready to be animated and a couple already done that I haven't posted yet. I'll try to ration them out, since I can only dedicate a few hours a week to them. I don't want to run out of ammo too quickly. This 40-hour regular job is for the birds, birds that like to sit in a cubicle all day and repossess cars. I'm considering laying newspaper on the ground in my box and going all the way with this lame analogy.

My brother wants to bring his minister to come see my comedy act. Please take a second to scroll down and see my last set list. I need to write some new material STAT!

I'm not feeling the law school these days. I was watching the Colts game with a guy that's currently in law school, and all he talked about was law and politics. Do any of you ever hear me talking about law or politics? Didn't think so.

Still no applications received for woman of my dreams. I may have to compromise on the good speller requirement. It's not easy to meet girls when you work in a cube all day and cartoon all night.

Say It. Don't... -- Untapped 002

Untapped Animated!

Here she be, my first animated Untapped strip. Enjoy!

Oh, and there's not supposed to be sound. Stop messing with your speakers.

Could someone help me get this mic open?

I performed my first stand-up routine since moving back to Indiana last night at a club called Morty's Comedy Joint here in Carmel. It was Open Mic Night and was packed with hopefuls. I met the owner, Eric Shorts, who looked rather familiar. In fact, he said he thought he recognized me. That's definitely possible considering I'm kind of a big deal. Well, he told me that he wasn't going to be able to squeeze me into the show since I was new and there were a lot of other comics there. I told him I would do two minutes, even one minute just to get up on stage and get my feet wet. He thought about it and decided to give me three minutes near the end of the show.

And what a show it was. Honestly, I can't say that the amateur comedians of Indianapolis are any worse than the amateurs of Los Angeles. They are all equally awful. But they're learning, and you have to start somewhere. Personally, I would start by learning the term "punchline" and the importance of its inclusion in a joke. Also, it's good to learn that when dealing with a small audience, do not begin your act by threatening them with potential bodily harm from a chainsaw. And most importantly, LOUDER DOES NOT MEAN FUNNIER!!

Since, I was going up late and only had three minutes (which thankfully got extended to five somehow) I knew I couldn't mess around with any kind of story jokes or soft material. I had to get the audience's attention fast and keep my pace rapid. My set went very well. Here was my successful set list of material:

Cat Stoned
Drunk Plant
Albino
Leather Towels
Ass Food
Nobra Badtits
That's the Shits
Girl Tattoos

That's a ton of material to get through in three (five) minutes. I was on rapid-fire. My friend, Ivan, was kind enough to come watch, and he hadn't seen me perform comedy in about six years. He said he was very impressed and that I had really matured as a comedian. Go back and read my set list again. That, my friends, is called irony. Also, an important term to learn when considering a career in comedy.

After the show, I thanked Eric for the opportunity to perform. He told me that he liked my stuff and to call him when I wanted to perform again. I will definitely be calling him. It felt good to be onstage again.

My team of experts are still working diligently on the YouTube situation. Very soon we will be up and running.

F'ing F You, Buddy!

Watermarks, Foreheads, and Salmon

I was hoping that my post today would include my first YouTube-ified animated comic strip, but unfortunately the computer gods were not with me over the weekend. Soon, my friends. Very soon I will be able to convert .swf files to .avi files without a giant watermark/rubber stamp in the middle of them. That was the problem, you know. I refuse to make my worldwide debut with a horrible red splotch in the middle of my hard work that even Gorbachev would attest to being rather distracting. Right now, I have a team of experts working to correct this problem, and hopefully we will be up and running shortly.

Meanwhile, I'm working on my law school applications. I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to go to law school. Why am I doing this? Because I have to do something.

My hairline's recession sped up a little the past few months. I think this may be a seasonal occurence for this time of year. Luckily, I have not yet suffered the misfortune of a bald spot, though I have had many dreams in which I have lost all of my hair that were so convincing I was actually surprised to still have my mop up top when I awoke. I'm determined to stay positive about the gradual recession of my hairline. I'm not losing hair. I'm gaining forehead. And who doesn't like head?

The applications for the woman of my dreams aren't exactly pouring in, although someone named Tim thinks I'm funny. His spelling is immaculate, but he doesn't qualify for the first requirement of being undeniably female. That's okay, though. I'm not losing hope. However, I think my previous paragraph may be hurting my potential desirability. Let the countdown for my application to Match.com begin!

Delighted. That is how I feel about the Colts victory over the hated Patriots last night. Simply delighted. The best part is that everyone was picking the Pats to win. Everyone...except me! I need to start sports betting. I could be a Thousandaire by now. Once you're a Thousandaire, it doesn't matter how far your hair recedes. Undeniable females would instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

First, I need a list

I have officially entered the last year of my twenties, and I have a lot to still accomplish before I die. I had better hurry.

I'm going to post one of my animated strips on YouTube this weekend with a title page pointing to this fabulous blog. Who knows what might happen? Possibly nothing. Regardless, I will be able to scratch this off my list.

I am also accepting applications for the woman of my dreams. Requirements include that the woman is undeniably female and a good speller. Soon, this will be scratched off my list.

Now, I am scratching myself. I can scratch that off my list.

Now, I am sniffing my fingers. I can scratch that off my list.

OOOOcreativity cycleOOOO

It's a slow work day. There is not much to do, except for try to look as busy as possible to avoid an undeserved reprimand. I've been at work for two-and-a-half hours and have already read every news story, sports story, blog, and email I dare to view. We aren't really allowed to be on any website that's not a mapping site, but I like to live as an outlaw.

I have also managed to write two new comic strips so far this morning. My mind goes through an incredible battle each strip. First I think that I will never be able to come up with another strip again. It's a terrible feeling of low self-worth and feebility. Then I suddenly come up with a situation. It appears out of blue. Today, for example, I remembered about how and why I learned to play the guitar. That's a perfect situation for a strip. Then I come up with a joke set up and punch that I think is funny enough to make a strip out of, and I squeeze it into 3 or 4 frames. Before I know it, I've written a new strip! I feel great! I bask in the glow of my accomplishment for a few minutes...and then I realize that I'll never be able to come up with another one ever again.