The Big Pepperoni Upstairs?

Going back onstage after bombing in your last show is always a nervous experience. I went to Morty's Comedy Joint last night to do the open mic. My good friend Zach was in town from Los Angeles and told me he was going to perform, so I decided I would join him. Last time I went, I was early, signed up first, had to perform first, and predictably ate shit for seven minutes. This time I planned my arrival so that I got there along with the middle of the pack comedian-wise, I signed up seventh, and had to go first. Again! It was an outrage that they put me on the list to bite the bullet twice in a row! Planning on going over my material while the first few acts performed, I didn't even have a set list ready when I found out that I had to go up right after the host. Potential disaster was on its way.

Allow me to now pat myself on the back. (Pat, pat) I did not complain. I didn't say a word. I just quickly arranged some material, slammed a beer, and walked onstage with a good frame of mind once the host finished the tepid warm-up. My performance went great. I'm not saying that I killed, but I definitely had a solid set. I started off with a joke that I've never done onstage before, and I feel that it set the tone for my whole act by giving the audience a good feel for my personality. Here was the opener:

So it's supposed to be an attractive trait in males to have a large penis...
...but having three testicles isn't? That's kind of a double standard isn't it?

In a totally unrelated matter, I'd like it if you would all keep me in your prayers this week. On Thursday, I go in for testicular removal surgery.

I like to start high brow. The best news is that my new material worked. I did about four minutes of completely new stuff and got a great reaction. This includes the Gas Station Pizza bit that I originally wrote here in this blog. However, my final joke in that bit fell a little flat:

The next time someone says to you that something is awesome, you need to look them straight in the eye and say, "God is gas station pizza." Let's not disrespect the big pepperoni upstairs.

If you haven't read the entry on Gas Station Pizza, then this joke definitely won't make any sense to you. It's one of those jokes that if I heard another comic say, I would be howling...unfortunately for this particular joke, the crowd was not filled with a bunch of me...s. But I recovered enough to plod on. My next series of jokes was a very risky choice. In fact, I didn't realize how edgy I was being until well after I started. I did some of my Jesus material. Now, you have to understand that as a performer, you have to write what you know. I know Christianity. I was raised in a very Christian family and still have a lot of strong Christian influences in my life. However, I'm not afraid to make jokes about The Passion of the Christ. I have a unique viewpoint on this subject, and I don't feel that my jokes are anti-Christian at all. Well, the bit was received with luke-warm laughter. It was the kind of response where you could tell that the crowd thought it was funny but were afraid to laugh. That's fine with me. As I transitioned out of that section, I made a quick comment to the other comedians to avoid the Jesus material which the crowd thought was funny. Then I said that it didn't fly because the table up front which had what looked like a business party at it were all Mormons. And everyone thought that was verrry funny. Everyone loves to pile on Mormons.

I ended my set with a few goto jokes, a bit called Ass Food, and left to strong applause. It was a very successful show, especially considering I was coming off a bomb performance, did a ton of new material, and bit the bullet. My friend Zach had a good set, although his material is filled with L.A. industry stuff that won't kill an Indiana crowd. He gave me an awesome call out during his set and told me that I "had balls for doing four minutes of anti-Christian material in the middle of the Bible Belt." Now, I must repeat that I don't feel my material was "anti-Christian", however I will gladly take that as a compliment from Zach who appreciates in when anyone is successfully edgy.

It was good to see Zach again, and I am anxious to get back to Los Angeles. The world is almost ready to learn about Ass Food.

Nachos and Caviar

I finally got to cash in one of my birthday presents last night when my brother and I went to the Colts game and watched them demolish the Eagles. Jade's parents have season tickets, but they don't get to go to many games now that they live in the OC with Mischa Barton and company. They were generous to give me their two tickets to the game last night, and the seats were decent. However, this guy kept standing up in front of me, but I didn't dare ask him to sit down...because he was an offensive lineman. That's how good the seats were, people! They were grab some Gatorade good. They were play with the oxygen tank good. They were get interviewed by Andrea Kramer good. Dungy let me carry the challenge flag. These were some very good seats. Did you know millionaires eat nachos? They do, and they did all around us.

Comic coming today. I've been lazy and haven't been working on new ones, but I do have two already finished and ready to post. I was going to put one up last week, but due to tryptophan induced internet apathy and a sudden addiction to Madden and poker, I neglected.

Thinking back on my disappointing showing at the open mic night, I realize now that I should have bailed on my material and talked to the crowd. I'm such a chicken when it comes to crowd work. It's the dreaded unknown. oooOOOOooo! However, this is a skill that needs sharpening, and I blew the perfect opportunity. I was too stubborn on attempting my new material, but that was an obvious lost cause when my proven opener was met with painful silence. Next time that happens, I'm going straight to the crowd. So what if I don't make them laugh by talking to them. It's not like they're going to laugh at the planned material. Lesson learned. Moving on.

Stick a fork where?

Hiroshima. Nagasaki. And now Carmel. Perhaps you felt the tremors last night, yourself. That was me bombing at Open Mic Night at Morty's Comedy Joint, an explosion of silence that shall be remembered for decades to come.

I had to bite the bullet last night in front of a crowd that the greatest comedian would deem unfavorable at best. By biting the bullet, I mean that I went up first. The audience was small, and no one sat in the front seats. There was a moat of empty tables and chairs between the stage and the...er...crowd. The audience consisted of comedians, the family of a 14-yr-old comic, and a group of some other people that I should be careful about describing in the wake of the recent Michael Richards incident. Let's just say that they did not relate to my material or appreciate my point of view. They didn't heckle me, though. At one point, I was talking about tattoos on girls and I thought I heard one of them agreeing with me. I turned to him for support and realized he was just talking on his cell phone. This was one show where I wish I was heckled. At least then I could have gotten the audience more involved.

Dan asked what I thought about what happened at the Laugh Factory a couple nights ago, Kramer vs The Evolution of Society. I don't think he stepped over the line with those comments. Oh, no. Instead he backed up thirty feet, got a running start, and lunged headfirst over the line. I liked George Lopez's comments about the situation the best when he said that Michael Richards is not a stand-up comic. He's an actor who's show was canceled and now he's essentially been thrown onto the stand-up stage.

It's a different world on that stage. It can be very lonely up there when the crowd turns on you, and when you get heckled it's very easy to take it personally. Here's what I think happened. Michael Richards was very successful once, and now he's not on television and instead is doing stand-up which is not his regular medium. He was not getting the response he desired and additionally, a group of people were being disrespectful during his act by talking, which can be extremely distracting and unnerving. His pride mixed with his inexperience and quickly turned to anger, and when you want to hurt someone verbally you often say whatever you think will upset them the most. He's not an active racist. He just felt like he was being attacked and lost his mind. That's probably why it happened, but it doesn't excuse it. When you get heckled, you have to keep your cool and remember that you have one huge advantage over them. You have a microphone. They don't. Use the power to be heard over them to convey your wit in handling the situation. The audience wants to be on your side. In my experience, I've found that bare-faced insults (racist or otherwise) directed towards hecklers only make you look like a jerk.

Kramer's probably going to have a tough time getting TV work after this. However, I think Carlos Mencia should offer him a gig on his show. On that show, racism is funny! ...apparently.

I thought it was interesting how Jamie Masada, owner of the Laugh Factory, said that Michael Richards won't be allowed to perform at the club anymore...although he did allow him to do a show there the very next night. Apparently, things changed once the media storm hit.

I'll tell you who enjoyed Richards' act the most. That would be Paul Rodriguez. He got a ton of face time because of this, even more than when his son skateboards in the X Games. His life sounds like a sitcom premise, a stand-up past his prime who has a son that's a successful extreme sports star and his pride for him battling the envy of his fame. I should pitch it with him.

It is football season, afterall.

Enough to kill a large housecat. That's how much caffeine I've had today, and I feel great! In fact, I've felt extra good the past few days. I'm going to do the open mic show again tonight, and hopefully I can write/find some squeaky clean material to help expand my act. Someone give me a topic, and I'll try to write a joke on it to perform tonight. Just put it in the comments.

I'm moving back to Los Angeles. It is going to happen. I belong there, and I should be using my creativity for income. First, I need to finish the first episode of the cartoon, but soon after that, I'm gone. Meanwhile, I'll continue repossessing cars, writing comedy, creating these highly enjoyable animated comic strips, and animating that soon to be highly enjoyable cartoon. My estimated departure for the West Coast is sometime in Spring.

About the Untapped comics, I am happy to announce that I have broken the 100 views plateau in YouTube for the first two strips. Of course, I did flood my Myspace friends with them in their comments section, and the first strip has the keyword "sex" attached to it... But 100 views is still 100 views. ...and only a few of those are me, I swear! I've been forcing myself not to view them just for this reason. If anyone feels motivated to help me out, I'd appreciate a few ratings on these on the YouTube site.

I'm continuing with the football series for now. I have at least three more coming for this particular topic. The most incredible thing about creating these strips with animation, is that I now have the power of timing! Before, I had to blindly hope that my readers would read each strip with the appropriate timing applied, which takes a lot of faith. Now, I can add pauses and blinks and other little tricks I am discovering to help direct the joke! The freedom! I'll post the next one sometime tomorrow.

I wish I was content...

You may have read by now that Neil Patrick Harris is a "content gay man". I cannot see how this is news. I've known Doogie was gay for years now, ever since he was in Rent and went on the Tonight Show wearing nail polish. Dreadful shade, too. Absolutely dreadful.

Ever since I was a youngster, people have said that I remind them of Doogie Howser. It's because I share a resemblence to Neil Patrick Harris. That and I was a 14-yr-old doctor. Well, I liked to play doctor. Actually, kids should stop playing doctor before they turn 14. I just had a great idea for a new TV show, a 14-yr-old doctor father. Doogie Howser MD PTA.

I like to think that I would make a good father. Someday, perhaps we'll find out. You know, when I finally decide to settle down and steal a kid.

Could someone help me get this mic open?

I performed my first stand-up routine since moving back to Indiana last night at a club called Morty's Comedy Joint here in Carmel. It was Open Mic Night and was packed with hopefuls. I met the owner, Eric Shorts, who looked rather familiar. In fact, he said he thought he recognized me. That's definitely possible considering I'm kind of a big deal. Well, he told me that he wasn't going to be able to squeeze me into the show since I was new and there were a lot of other comics there. I told him I would do two minutes, even one minute just to get up on stage and get my feet wet. He thought about it and decided to give me three minutes near the end of the show.

And what a show it was. Honestly, I can't say that the amateur comedians of Indianapolis are any worse than the amateurs of Los Angeles. They are all equally awful. But they're learning, and you have to start somewhere. Personally, I would start by learning the term "punchline" and the importance of its inclusion in a joke. Also, it's good to learn that when dealing with a small audience, do not begin your act by threatening them with potential bodily harm from a chainsaw. And most importantly, LOUDER DOES NOT MEAN FUNNIER!!

Since, I was going up late and only had three minutes (which thankfully got extended to five somehow) I knew I couldn't mess around with any kind of story jokes or soft material. I had to get the audience's attention fast and keep my pace rapid. My set went very well. Here was my successful set list of material:

Cat Stoned
Drunk Plant
Albino
Leather Towels
Ass Food
Nobra Badtits
That's the Shits
Girl Tattoos

That's a ton of material to get through in three (five) minutes. I was on rapid-fire. My friend, Ivan, was kind enough to come watch, and he hadn't seen me perform comedy in about six years. He said he was very impressed and that I had really matured as a comedian. Go back and read my set list again. That, my friends, is called irony. Also, an important term to learn when considering a career in comedy.

After the show, I thanked Eric for the opportunity to perform. He told me that he liked my stuff and to call him when I wanted to perform again. I will definitely be calling him. It felt good to be onstage again.

My team of experts are still working diligently on the YouTube situation. Very soon we will be up and running.