Could someone help me get this mic open?

I performed my first stand-up routine since moving back to Indiana last night at a club called Morty's Comedy Joint here in Carmel. It was Open Mic Night and was packed with hopefuls. I met the owner, Eric Shorts, who looked rather familiar. In fact, he said he thought he recognized me. That's definitely possible considering I'm kind of a big deal. Well, he told me that he wasn't going to be able to squeeze me into the show since I was new and there were a lot of other comics there. I told him I would do two minutes, even one minute just to get up on stage and get my feet wet. He thought about it and decided to give me three minutes near the end of the show.

And what a show it was. Honestly, I can't say that the amateur comedians of Indianapolis are any worse than the amateurs of Los Angeles. They are all equally awful. But they're learning, and you have to start somewhere. Personally, I would start by learning the term "punchline" and the importance of its inclusion in a joke. Also, it's good to learn that when dealing with a small audience, do not begin your act by threatening them with potential bodily harm from a chainsaw. And most importantly, LOUDER DOES NOT MEAN FUNNIER!!

Since, I was going up late and only had three minutes (which thankfully got extended to five somehow) I knew I couldn't mess around with any kind of story jokes or soft material. I had to get the audience's attention fast and keep my pace rapid. My set went very well. Here was my successful set list of material:

Cat Stoned
Drunk Plant
Albino
Leather Towels
Ass Food
Nobra Badtits
That's the Shits
Girl Tattoos

That's a ton of material to get through in three (five) minutes. I was on rapid-fire. My friend, Ivan, was kind enough to come watch, and he hadn't seen me perform comedy in about six years. He said he was very impressed and that I had really matured as a comedian. Go back and read my set list again. That, my friends, is called irony. Also, an important term to learn when considering a career in comedy.

After the show, I thanked Eric for the opportunity to perform. He told me that he liked my stuff and to call him when I wanted to perform again. I will definitely be calling him. It felt good to be onstage again.

My team of experts are still working diligently on the YouTube situation. Very soon we will be up and running.