The Big Pepperoni Upstairs?

Going back onstage after bombing in your last show is always a nervous experience. I went to Morty's Comedy Joint last night to do the open mic. My good friend Zach was in town from Los Angeles and told me he was going to perform, so I decided I would join him. Last time I went, I was early, signed up first, had to perform first, and predictably ate shit for seven minutes. This time I planned my arrival so that I got there along with the middle of the pack comedian-wise, I signed up seventh, and had to go first. Again! It was an outrage that they put me on the list to bite the bullet twice in a row! Planning on going over my material while the first few acts performed, I didn't even have a set list ready when I found out that I had to go up right after the host. Potential disaster was on its way.

Allow me to now pat myself on the back. (Pat, pat) I did not complain. I didn't say a word. I just quickly arranged some material, slammed a beer, and walked onstage with a good frame of mind once the host finished the tepid warm-up. My performance went great. I'm not saying that I killed, but I definitely had a solid set. I started off with a joke that I've never done onstage before, and I feel that it set the tone for my whole act by giving the audience a good feel for my personality. Here was the opener:

So it's supposed to be an attractive trait in males to have a large penis...
...but having three testicles isn't? That's kind of a double standard isn't it?

In a totally unrelated matter, I'd like it if you would all keep me in your prayers this week. On Thursday, I go in for testicular removal surgery.

I like to start high brow. The best news is that my new material worked. I did about four minutes of completely new stuff and got a great reaction. This includes the Gas Station Pizza bit that I originally wrote here in this blog. However, my final joke in that bit fell a little flat:

The next time someone says to you that something is awesome, you need to look them straight in the eye and say, "God is gas station pizza." Let's not disrespect the big pepperoni upstairs.

If you haven't read the entry on Gas Station Pizza, then this joke definitely won't make any sense to you. It's one of those jokes that if I heard another comic say, I would be howling...unfortunately for this particular joke, the crowd was not filled with a bunch of me...s. But I recovered enough to plod on. My next series of jokes was a very risky choice. In fact, I didn't realize how edgy I was being until well after I started. I did some of my Jesus material. Now, you have to understand that as a performer, you have to write what you know. I know Christianity. I was raised in a very Christian family and still have a lot of strong Christian influences in my life. However, I'm not afraid to make jokes about The Passion of the Christ. I have a unique viewpoint on this subject, and I don't feel that my jokes are anti-Christian at all. Well, the bit was received with luke-warm laughter. It was the kind of response where you could tell that the crowd thought it was funny but were afraid to laugh. That's fine with me. As I transitioned out of that section, I made a quick comment to the other comedians to avoid the Jesus material which the crowd thought was funny. Then I said that it didn't fly because the table up front which had what looked like a business party at it were all Mormons. And everyone thought that was verrry funny. Everyone loves to pile on Mormons.

I ended my set with a few goto jokes, a bit called Ass Food, and left to strong applause. It was a very successful show, especially considering I was coming off a bomb performance, did a ton of new material, and bit the bullet. My friend Zach had a good set, although his material is filled with L.A. industry stuff that won't kill an Indiana crowd. He gave me an awesome call out during his set and told me that I "had balls for doing four minutes of anti-Christian material in the middle of the Bible Belt." Now, I must repeat that I don't feel my material was "anti-Christian", however I will gladly take that as a compliment from Zach who appreciates in when anyone is successfully edgy.

It was good to see Zach again, and I am anxious to get back to Los Angeles. The world is almost ready to learn about Ass Food.