But I don't know where to put it

I'm quiz kid Donnie Smith, and I have lots of love to give.

That's a line from Magnolia, and it pretty much sums up how I feel about this past weekend. I went up to San Francisco but knew I was headed for disappointment before I even left. But it wasn't like that from first contact. No, no. Tunes were changed. Gears were shifted. It was all very predictable. I could have written exactly how the weekend would go before I left.

I ran into an omen on the way. As I left Los Angeles and started to hit the mountains, this giant, dark cloud came rolling over a huge hill. The cloud wasn't over the hill. It was the hill. And as my car got closer to it, the wind picked up strongly, and the temperature dropped 30 degrees. It looked really incredible, and I wish I took a picture to show you. I had to stop at a town at the bottom of the mountain to fill up my car with gas. When I went inside to get a Green Tea (to help ward off all sickness), I noticed that my finger was bleeding. From what, I have no idea...but it wasn't a good sign.

After leaving My Girl a voicemail to tell her when I would be arriving, I received a text message from her saying that she was taking a nap and that I should call her when I got close. So, when I was 15 miles out, I gave her a call...and got the voicemail again. I left her a message saying that I was close but surely I would get lost, so she had a little time to wake up before I got there. I immediately called her again to see if she would wake up, but I got the voicemail again. Luckily, I did get lost. I had to use both Mapquest and Google Maps to find her place. Double true. I kept calling her every five minutes or so but got the voicemail everytime. The city was packed as it was Friday night and it wasn't easy to find parking, but I did end up getting a pretty good spot...after I prayed about it. I found her building and a group of buzzers with apartment numbers on it. I knew she was in 974, but there was also a 974A. I rang the first one and got someone with an accent and immediately apologized to them for ringing the wrong apartment. I tried 974A and got someone younger sounding. I asked about My Girl, and the voice told me that she wasn't there. I insisted that she was sleeping and that she should try banging on her door. Sure enough, a couple minutes later My Girl came down.

She was very apologetic for being asleep and had an obvious cold. But she wasn't made up at all. This was bad news. If a girl doesn't make herself up for you, she's not into you. Simple as that. She was into me in past phone conversations...but I felt like something changed in the last week before I went up there. I could feel it. And then I saw her come down in her scrubbies, give me a lightning quick hug, and I immediately knew that this weekend wasn't going to go as I had hoped. I would have jumped back in my car there, but that would be rude and I wanted to see this out until the end.

I met one of her roommates and a friend, and they were very nice. They were warm towards me and that made it all the more obvious that My Girl was being distant. I brought my guitar after a friend insisted that I should, and I really am glad I did. She asked me to play, and while playing the songs I had a chance to escape the awkwardness of the moment. I sounded good. I was funny. Honestly and with all modesty, I can't tell you why she wasn't in to me. As single 28-year-olds go, I think I'm fairly desirable. I'm better looking than most, in the best shape of my life, I have a good and impressive sounding job, and I'm an intelligent, nice guy. What could she be looking for?

I slept on the couch downstairs. Ever listen to the song "Motorcycle Drive-by" by Third Eye Blind? You really should be listening to that while reading this. Regardless of how the first night went, I got up Saturday determined to have a good time and make an effort to win her heart. We got breakfast together. That was a great time to do some catching up. Then we went to Walgreens, so she could get some cold medicine. You can't really blame someone for getting sick, but I really did everything I could in the weeks leading up to my visit to avoid it...and I know that she went out a lot. It is a little telling. Oh, and while at Walgreens she bought feminine products. So, I guess my timing was also pretty bad. But, she bought them in front of me. What is she trying to tell me with that move? She could have bought them before I arrived, and I never would have known. But, instead she puts up the warning flag. A big, red one.

We went for a drive across the Golden Gate Bridge and to some beach. I was doing everything right. I was asking about her, her life, her family, her job, her future plans...and she was asking me nothing. I ran out of things to ask her, and things suddenly grew silent. Awful, horrible silence. So, I decided I was going to have to start talking about myself. I decided to tell her an uncompleted idea I have for a film script, because at the very least I could remind her that I was creative. Girls like creative people, right? This did open things up a bit. From the beach we bought some wine and snacks and when back to her place and hung out on her porch before we were to go get dinner later that evening.

Thank god for alcohol. I needed that sooooo badly. Suddenly, I was able to really get loose and talk about more important things. She would occasionally mention some guy that she had been hanging out with. I believe this to have been my largest obstacle. When I asked her about him, she told me that her past relationship had not ended long enough ago for her to be ready for someone else. It had only been 2 months. 2 months? That's no time at all! Ok, I totally understand that. But, wait a minute. A month ago she was being heavily flirty with me. Of course, I didn't ask her about that, and I regret it. But, I just wasn't ballsy enough to do that. I really, really like this girl, and I went out of my way to not be disagreeable in the slightest. I talked to her a little bit about religion, for she is always talking about God. Then I told her about my past couple years and Maayan and my depression last year. It was important that she realize that I am human. It did help a little. So did the wine.

Later that evening, we went out to a nice, Italian restaurant and had a lovely, friendly, polite time. After that, we went to a bar and sat at a dark table and drank Irish coffees. I knew this was my last chance to speak my mind. It was then or never. And I had to say something. I couldn't chicken out after 7 years. I made this trip to say something and damn it, I was going to say it! So I did. I told her I felt we were perfect for each other. We have a ton in common. It's true. I could make a gigantic list. I also told her that she was a driving force behind my creativity. I told her she was my muse.

She seemed to appreciate it and was embarrassed. But she had her wall up, and no amount of charm and heart felt emotion from me was going to kncock it down. We went back to her place and watched a movie, she on the couch and me in a bucket chair. Then she went to bed, and I went to couch. I woke up very early the next morning and felt like I needed to do something. I couldn't watch TV. I needed to get some feelings out. Apparently I didn't blow my wad the last night in more ways than one. So I wrote her a letter. It wasn't about trying to win her heart still. It wasn't an angry letter yelling at her for leading me on. I wrote the nicest letter I could muster, thanking her for the trip. Four pages.

I dropped her off at a hair appointment before I left. Note that she didn't have it scheduled until after I was there. She hugged me and told me to call her when I got home. I gave her the letter and took off. I did a lot of thinking on the drive back to Los Angeles. I went from sad to angry to something better to something worse to nothing and then back to sad again. I confided with a good friend about the entire weekend, and she insisted that My Girl is an idiot. I agreed and disagreed. I blamed her. I blamed myself. I went through a whole array of different feelings. But by the time I got home, I felt nothing but exhausted. I called My Girl, ready to ask her a couple tough questions that I really didn't have the energy to ask, but thankfully (and predictably) I was once again greeted by her voicemail. "Hi, ____. I'm home. give me a call." And that was it.

I haven't heard from her yet. It doesn't appear that she liked the letter. I'm sure she's telling everyone how this psycho guy came up and harrassed her. Maybe her roommate is telling her what a great guy I seemed to be. She seemed to like me just fine. Maybe not. Maybe I am a psycho.

You know the funny thing? If she called and suddenly was flirtatious with me again, I'd be right back in my car and headed to San Fran. I really do think we're perfect for each other. I'm so hopeless.

She mentioned that she was masochistic. I am too. She's masochistic in that she only likes guys that are bad for her. I'm masochistic in that I only like girls that don't like me back.

Oh well. Lessons learned. I think.