Caffeine, Punches, Boobs, and Dicks

I just got my second cup of coffee. Danger! Danger! High Voltage! I've lowered my caffeine intake lately, so this cup may just shut down both of my kidneys. That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Last night I had a dream that Shyam punched me in the face. It started with me playfully slapping his arm, and then he decked me. It hurt, but he didn't knock me down or anything. I'm one tough hombre. However, I did tell him that now we would have to fight. But when we squared off, I couldn't bring myself to fight him. I refused to unleash these guns of fury on him. So instead, we got back to swimming with the dolphins or whatever homoerotic dream I was apparently having.

I'm in a new office in Glendale now. Let's call it McDonald's, 'cause I'm lovin' it! A 10 minute drive from my apartment is so much nicer than the 45 minute crawl I had before. The only problem is that my editors and assistant editors are still at the E! building on the other side of town, and I have to go over there at least once a day so far. Starting next season, everyone will be over here, so that will be nice.

Hey! Who wants to see Dan's boobs? I keed! I keed! Actually, Dan, it looks like maybe you did a little working out before the ol' honeymoon. True? I know I would. Not just for my new bride's sake, but because the entire world would see the photographs. Did you hear they moved the Grand Canyon to Hawaii? That should really boost tourism.

See, Dan? I told you this second cup of coffee was dangerous.

I'm still working on that bottle of Crown Royal. The past two nights I have been able to successfully lubricate myself. I like the way the ice clinks in the glass. I also like the way the whisky gets me drunk.

I transcribed the Voice Over script for our latest episode yesterday. To do this, I watch the latest cut very closely, listen for any voice overs, and write them out when I hear them along with the corresponding time code. In each episode we go to a different family's house and try to help fix their lives...by having a yard sale. Well, this latest family is incredible. The husband is the hugest dick! I said "is", not "has". "Is". And his wife is sooo nice. Everytime she would laugh, he would yell at her to stop acting silly. And he is this gigantic megalomaniac with pictures of himself everywhere. No yard sale and new furniture is going to help this couple. I'm not a huge advocate for divorce, but they need one. There will be no working this out. He will never change, and she will never be happy.

I will not be a dick to my future wife. Hear me now! I will be supportive, loving, nurturing, and some other great stuff. Oh, but I've seen a lot of episodes where the wife is the main problem, too. Hopefully, I'll find someone that clicks with me. A couple should compliment each other...not grind against each other. Wait. I guess there should be some grinding.