Friday, February 23, 2007

I don't want to freak you out...too late.

You all are deformed!

This is what a girl in my third grade class once shouted to everybody in the class while our teacher was out of the room. She was a girl that used to get picked on a little, but she was far from an innocent, sympathetic character as she started most of the arguments she got into. I can't remember her name, but I do remember her calling us deformed, and I remember that we ratted her out when the teacher returned. Did I even know what it meant to be deformed? Usually the insult du jour was to call someone a retard or say they were retarded or call them a retarded retard. But deformed? That was a new one and probably why I can still remember it.

As far as I can tell, I am not deformed. However, one of my close friends is. She only recently learned of her deformity, though she suspected it all along. I cannot say that I thought she was deformed. Just a little off, that's all. She's always been able to do this interesting trick with her hands where she would bend her fingers in an unnatural way that made it look like she had claws. We thought she was double jointed, but according to the doctor, it turns out that she's deformed. She has Swan Neck Deformity.

Swan Neck Deformity

Now that I know that she is deformed, everything changes. I have to treat her differently, like I would treat any deformed person. These are trying times for her, and she needs my support. You better believe I'll be there for her, too. Let's say for example that we are out grocery shopping and some aggressive soccer mom cuts my friend off with her cart in order to grab the last box of Snackwells. I can no longer stand by silently when something like this happens. Instead, now I will forcefully say to this woman, "Hey! Watch where you're going, you insensitive cow! You just cut off my friend! Can't you see that she's deformed?? Or maybe you did see that she's deformed and that's why you cut her off! Just because she's deformed doesn't give you that right! Now if you would please move your cart to the side, we would like to head to frozen foods. Clear the way, people! Deformed girl coming through!"

I see you're a little different.

Her fiancé will most likely leave her soon. It's hard to be too angry with him. Being in a relationship with someone who has a deformity can be a difficult thing, and for some it is just simply asking too much. Of course, I will still be around to support her through this. When she's ready, I will help her fill out her application to in the deformity division, so she can find that "special" someone like herself who is just as grossly disfigured as she is. It's best for people with specific disabilities to be in relationships with others that have the same challenges. I mean, it's practically a rule of nature. Midgets often date midgets, deaf people with other deaf people, blind with blind, fat and ugly with fat and ugly. And, of course, the deformed with the deformed. And I'll be there to help lead her on this path toward acceptance and healing, to point her towards the other deformed who will be waiting for her with open, mangled arms.

I really shouldn't. Aw hell, just one--CHOMP!

Does being friends with someone who has deformity make me a better person? I think it does. I have learned much about the struggles of living with deformity, and it's helped me grow not only in understanding but spiritually as well. I feel that my aura has strengthened. As an added bonus, I have also grown more physically attactive. This is just a pleasant side effect of being around a deformed person. I am so satisfied with the benefits I have received from having a deformed friend that I am considering beginning a program where you can be matched with your own deformed friend. It's like a deformity outreach program. I'll call it Big Brothers and Big Deformities....or Deformities on Wheels or something. Now remember. You're not supposed to get romantic with your assigned deformed friend, not unless you find that you are deformed as well.

I am also considering starting a Deformed Parade for Deformity Awareness. Everyday, the deformed have to put up with the constant gawking and pointing from strangers as they go out in public. Instead, let's have a day when all of the deformed ride on giant floats through the downtown streets of every major city nationwide and the normal/non-deformed citizens come out to see all of them at once and collectively as a group. This will be the annual Day of Staring when everyone gets all the gawking out of their system at once and the rest of the year, the deformed can go about their daily routines without feeling like everyone's looking at them. This is such a good idea, that I will no doubt get nominated for some major awards and probably get to go on Oprah. But it's not about me, you see. No, no. It's about the deformed. It's about looking at the deformed and learning. It's about looking at my deformed friend and learning about her deformity. You know, since the parade is my idea, I'm going to go ahead and crown the Queen of the Deformed right now. This honor goes to my good (and deformed) friend, Queen Jade. She's not a retarded retard. Nope, just deformed.


At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 2:02:00 PM EST, Blogger dan1mccoy said...

You know . . . one day your deforminty will be made public. And then what will you do?

Unreal. How long do you think you can keep hiding from the past?

At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 2:58:00 PM EST, Blogger Jade said...

Oh my gosh...I can't stop laughing!!! I'm typing with my fingers fully bent in deformed glory! This is my proudest moment!

At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 3:40:00 PM EST, Blogger El Trío Los Ivanes said...

I'm sorry.

We can't be friends anymore.


At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 3:55:00 PM EST, Blogger El Trío Los Ivanes said...

Oh, and I hope the deformed muslim convert reads this and learns her place.

At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 3:55:00 PM EST, Blogger El Trío Los Ivanes said...

Is being a woman a deformatity? I sure hope so.

At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 4:32:00 PM EST, Blogger Noel Montgomery said...

Ivanes is either drunk...or hallucinating due to his baby food and apples diet that he's on for Lent.

At Friday, February 23, 2007 at 7:31:00 PM EST, Anonymous Jill said...

Ahh, the true greatness of MySpace. Without MySpace being there to distract me on a Friday afternoon at work, I never would have seen your bulletin with a link to this blog promising to entertain me, where the frightening picture at the top convinced me to read the whole post, where I find out that the deformed friend you're speaking of is, in fact, my deformed friend Jade. This explains so much.

F-ing hilarious Joel!


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