Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dot Commmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I arrived at David Carradine’s house ten minutes late, but I waited in my car for another thirty before he came out. While I waited, I got to know his dogs a little bit. He has a Golden Retriever and some kind of St. Bernard-type dog. If a man’s dogs’ personalities are any indication of his own disposition, then David was going to be friendly, aggressive, and may try to mount me. His wife came outside to tell me that he was throwing down some coffee and would be out in a minute, so I sat in my car and ruined my outlook on sports by reading Game of Shadows. I wonder if I can get human growth hormone in Mexico. I want to try steroids. Just once or twice. Just enough to get these guns going.

David came out and practically had sex with his wife just outside my car. As they embraced, they were enthusiastically joined by the Golden, but I think the St. Bernard gets a little turned off by PDA. Eventually, David made his way into the passenger seat of my Sentra, didn’t shake my hand, and we were off.

As far as celebrities go, David Carradine is a nice guy. He was very gregarious the whole drive to the studios. This is in direct contrast to John Larroquette who spent the first five-plus rides with me in brooding silence before eventually opening up…some. David owns a Ferrari, and he loves to talk about it. He has also owned a Mazarati and a convertible Cadillac of some kind, but he did not enjoy them nearly as much as his 1993 Ferrari. I asked him if he takes it anywhere and opens it up, but he does not. “I don’t like talking to cops,” he remarked. “It’s not like it used to be. I used to get a ticket for going 140mph and my agent knew someone in the Hall of Records who would take care of everything and it only cost me 100 bucks. Now they take you to jail.” I hear that. I never drive my Sentra more than 120mph for that very reason.

Immediately after sitting in my car, David lit up a cigarette. He didn’t ask if he could smoke in my car, and I didn’t tell him he couldn’t. He’s a celebrity. This is what they do. They can be as rude as they want whenever they want. For most of their life, people have catered to all of their eccentricities and demands so much that they no longer are capable of seeing others as equals. Could I have told him that he can’t smoke in my car? I suppose…and he probably would have obliged. But, then you can count on word getting back to my dozens of bosses that I was not courteous to David Carradine, and soon I would be jobless. Hey, at least it wasn’t Dennis Hopper. He lit up two cigars in another Production Assistant’s car. Would you ever get into a stranger’s car and just light up a cigarette without asking? Think about that. It is so brazen!

I’m sitting in my car outside of KNB Studios where they do prosthetics and anima-tronics. David’s getting a rubber head cast for the film. Inside the studio there are examples of some of their work. Aslan the Lion greets you as soon as you walk in the door, and David was immediately taken by him. He patted and groped and basically manhandled our Feline Lord right in front of one of the technicians. The technician had a look on his face like some celebrity had just lit up a cigarette in his car without asking. At least David was complimentary about the lion. He really loved it as opposed to the Boar/Warthog creatures which he called "just a joke"…in front of the technician...who probably made that boar himself.

Celebrities are funny. Here are some pictures I took at KNB.

These jokes were in Chronic (what?) cles of Narnia.


Don't let this guy hold your baby.

Frankenstein started the whole jacket-with-no-tie look.

I'm sad because I have nobody in my life. No body.


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