Holy Holy Kleenex

I sneeze a lot. Maybe more than most, I'm not sure. I know I sneeze daily. When I do sneeze, I usually rip off at least three in a row, too. I go whole hog when I sneeze. I don't hold it in, because I don't want my eyeballs to pop out nor do I want a brain aneurysm. It's true. That could happen. Look it up. Personally, I believe that people who hold their sneezes in have psychological issues that they should investigate. Somewhere in their upbringing they received negative reinforcement for sneezing. They were embarrassed by classmates or their parents scolded them for sneezing loudly in church, and that is a shame. Sneezing is natural, necessary, and totally enjoyable when done with vigor.

Now that we have established that everyone sneezes and it's a normal and possibly daily occurence, can we please dispense with all unnecessary superstition and outdated tradition that follows a sneeze? I'm referring to saying, "Bless you!" after everytime someone sneezes. I don't say, "Bless you!" when others sneeze, and I have had people tell me that this makes me rude. Rude? Do you really believe that a sneeze is an indicator of demonic possession? I don't. Do not waste your blessings on imaginary sneeze demons. And the next time someone says I'm rude for not blessing their sneezes I will chastise them for not holding the door for my imaginary friends.

Furthermore, I don't need you to acknowledge my sneezes at all! When I sneeze, we all know what happened. Anyone in a two-mile radius knows what happened. We can just move on without any formalities. The other day at work I had a minor sneezing fit. I rattled off about four or five (nowhere near my record eleven), and the girl across from me looks over and says in all seriousness, "Are you all right?" So I responded, "No! I'm definitely not all right! I think something is seriously wrong with me! It might be cancer! Please get help, immediately!" Pause for silence. "Why are you all just sitting there? Didn't you just hear me sneezing?! Someone call a doctor!"

Of course, this girl is one of those people that hold back their sneezes. That is a personality flaw. So is asking someone who just sneezed if they're all right. If you do this, please stop or face my ridicule.