Coughing Up a Hairball

It's the Year of the Pig. This year brings luck to...someone...maybe only those born in the Year of the Pig. Not everyone can be lucky at the same time. In fact, I believe that if one person is receiving a certain amount of luck then that means that someone else is being given an equal helping of bad luck. This is from Newton's Third Law of the Pig. I suppose actual pigs are supposed to be getting some luck right now at least. My parents did just accidentally buy turkey bacon the other day. Hey, turkeys received an equal amount of bad luck! Theory proven!

From what I've seen so far, this definitely isn't the Year of the Cat. I've seen more cat roadkill in the past few weeks than I can every remember. There's one crushed kitty that I have passed on the way to work for the past two weeks now. It's been run over so many times that it's almost become part of the road, like the road is carpeted in one spot. I'm not sure if roadkill patrol actually exists around here or if the city just lets nature and machinery work itself out. It's almost pothole season, so maybe city officials are waiting for those to open up so they can dump the highway kill into them.

I bombed on stage again last night, and it doesn't faze me one bit. I just don't really do penis jokes like the crowd seemed to want, and I'm not going to do a routine about the first time I went down on a girl like an 18-year-old rookie did last night. Some poor girl out there doesn't know it (she probably soon will, though) but her unkempt, sweet sixteen nether regions are now being openly discussed on stage in Carmel Indiana. I'm referring to her age as being "sweet", not her nether regions. According to the kid onstage, there was nothing sweet about them. Ladies, if you are considering getting intimate with someone who has a penchant for performing comedy, I would think twice. There's a good chance that your privates may be compared to a briar patch in front of a bunch of people. I realize that I'm shooting myself in the briar patch here, but I am an exception to this possibility. I will never go there onstage...and girls will never stop liking comedians, so all of this is pointless anyway. What a tangled web we weave...and hopefully groom.