I did not drive the kids to soccer practice today.

I told someone I'd host a show on September 9. Why would I do that? What is the matter with me? I'm not performing. I haven't been consistently performing for months now, but for some reason I'm totally willing to host a show. I've been really lazy, so I felt I could motivate myself to do something creative by making myself. I have to do this. There's no way around it. I'm going to have to practice.

And practice is exactly what I set out to do last night. First things first, though. I decided I wanted to buy some weed. I discontinued my regular smoking habit a couple months ago, and I'm not looking to start it back up again. But, I've been going out and drinking a lot lately. It's dangerous and expensive...compared to weed. I'm restless, ok? I have good reason to be.

But, the weed deal never happened. Not that I didn't get stoned. No, I managed to do that. Lately, whenever I get stoned, I get paranoid. Self-conscious. Uncomfortable with myself. Why smoke then? I don't know. It's a wet security blanket.

I was planning on going to an open mike last night to get some stage time in, but I was under-prepared. It was not difficult for my friend Zach to talk me out of going and playing darts instead. It was Monday night, so that means the Casting Office. Karaoke. Zach killed me in darts, and I did a nice version of "Scar Tissue" by the Chili Peppers. The highlight of the evening for me was when I caught a really pretty girl looking at me. Tall, blonde, and named Laura Prepon. I swear to God it was her. Things like that happen around here. I never talked to her, but I know we shared a quick vibe. Of course, I probably just reminded her of Topher Grace for a moment. We would never work out, though. I hear she's into Scientology, and I am scared of it.